Damaged

Today I’ve come to realize who I am as a person. I spent all math class doing nothing but thinking and failing with a 57%. I’m very confused. I know exactly what I want. EXACTLY. But I fail to stick to it because of an outside interference. I’m about to graduate. My band is doing phenomenal for over a year in the scene. My friends are probably the coolest people ever. Best part was that everything was falling in place. 

My problem lies in myself. I want to make everyone else have just as good of a life as me. Maybe even better. But it all comes back full circle and I find myself in a position of either…

a) I’m going to be an ass

b) I’m going to be an ass

c) I’m going to be an ass

d) Disappear and be an ass

I have a real problem with fakes. They think they’re benefiting someone or something in some sort of way. But the truth (or at least my truth) is they only desire to benefit themselves. They want that attention. They need the spotlight to fuel their fire of douchebaggery. 

I feel as if I’m a starting to become a fake.

So I just want to stop it while I’m at the defining moment of my life. This is what 90% people will remember me by. I want to be that guy that left a good impression. I’m doing a somewhat good job. I just need to start caring for people the right way where I don’t hurt myself in the process. 

I don’t know how I feel about relationships anymore.

My last relationship ended as a result of “Bad timing” (I’m a boring guy). It wasn’t too real, but I realized that I haven’t tried as hard as I used to. I remember when I treated one of my ex’s like a 50 year old lady treats her cat. I feel like between my band and work, I’m not cut out for putting a title on my feelings. If I’m going to be with someone, she can’t have a problem with my priorities to achieve my dreams. Sure I have time for someone and sooner or later they would certainly be a priority. But the question is do they want to deal with who I am and what I want to do with my life?

No one wants the confused guy with big dreams.

I think I’m ready for change. I’m going to try harder.

 *End of my minds shenanigans*